Creating Life, one stress at a time

I debated if I wanted to write this post, it's a little personal, but I find it sometimes nice to get things out in the open. Although keeping certain things a secret is perfectly fine, I believe somethings are beneficial for someone to talk about. So, if you have some time sit back and enjoy, because it's a long one.

I wanted to share our little journey of conception, and don't worry, I won't get into too much detail. I'll spare you.

To really start from the beginning, you might want to read THIS POST. I've mentioned in previous posts about having PCOS, weight gain, and other complications I have had to go through. That post gives you the rundown of my history with PCOS, from when I was diagnosed to the horrible conversations I had with multiple doctors telling me that I may never have a baby.

...and boy were they wrong.

After finally finding a great doctor, a specialist up at Penn State Hershey hospital, I began my journey, so after many tests and appointments, and finally a diagnosis and a plan, he told me that when Ryan and I were ready to have a baby to come back and see him.

Ryan and I began to discuss it a little here and there. Our hopes of when. I was pretty excited/scared/anxious, you name it. I was definitely ready, wayyy before Ryan was. I didn't want to push him though, I wanted HIM to be ready as well. So, I told him, when you know you are ready, you tell me, and I'll make my DR. apt.

He finally said the words one night to me, "I think I'd like to have a baby now"

Such sweet words! I was super happy... and made the appointment the next day. I had to wait a few months (I believe 2ish) to get in.

I knew it could be a long ordeal. Who knew what I would have to go through, or for how long. I was scared that maybe those other doctors would be right, that I would never become a momma. I tried to keep those thoughts tucked away... I needed to have HOPE, and I never let that hope go away, even when people told me not to get my hopes up. What else did I have?

I had to have a few procedures done before I could start my first treatment. One procedure was not very fun, but I got through it. (Let me add that insurance DOES NOT cover infertility treatments - one more added stress)

Finally about 4 months after we decided we were ready, it was time to take my first round. We decided to start out with just taking a fertility drug called Clomid. An easy pill that you take for 5 days. Let me tell you though, HOLY HORMONES. I felt so bad for my husband, HAH. The last 2 days I was a hormonal wreck. I can remember yelling at him for everything, I was like a walking bomb and I knew it. That was the worst part, it was like I couldn't help myself. I just remember telling myself, "my poor husband." He took it like a champ though, he was so sweet with it all. I also was crying for no reasons really, I remember watching a movie at my parents and I just started bawling my eyes out. My mom laughed so hard as I was gulping yelling "DAMN YOU HORMONES." Good times...

As I approached the end of my cycle, I was SURE that this was not the month. Not the first month? I was told it could take a couple rounds to work. I was also feeling mother nature come on. I knew I was going to be starting round 2 in just a week. Well, that due date came, and nothing. Hmm. Well, I was use to never having a normal schedule anyway, maybe this was how it was suppose to be. Hmm.

A friend of mine who I was confiding in through this journey (only a few people knew that we were trying, people I trusted, people I could talk to it about. I just didn't want the whole world to know, at least not yet.) convinced me to take a test Friday morning if I hadn't gotten good old Aunt Flo yet. Well Friday morning arrived. At this time I was working at my previous employer and it was my LAST day there to top it off. So, as Ryan left for work, I snuck into the bathroom and took a test.

Within 2 seconds... yes very quickly it came up a serious positive, there was no denying it was positive. Both lines were so dark. I just sat there looking at it.... was this FOR-REAL? Yep. I started to cry, and cried for about 10 minutes there sitting on the toilet. (haha) So, after I got myself together, I ventured off to work...

I was so excited. I ran out to the store on my lunch break, and got Ryan a few things to give to him that night to break the news to him. On top of the day already being crazy because it was my last day of work, I was in agony with this little secret I had. I couldn't wait to tell Ryan. I kept texting him all day, he eventually started to realize, something was up.

Finally, I got home and I had a little gift for him that I put out on his chair and told him I had a gift for him. He of course thought that he had forgotten and anniversary or something, and exclaimed, "WHAT, what did I forget, I didn't get you anything." I told him to just open it! So, he did and inside was a card, a cute little outfit, and some "Dad" scrapbooking items and of course the Positive Test. He was thrilled.

I called the Doctors office first thing Monday morning, and they got us in 2 days later to confirm that I was INDEED pregnant! I even got the chance to have an ultrasound then at 5 1/2 weeks. You couldn't really see anything yet, but you could see his home, it was awesome. I was going to be a Momma.

In the weeks to follow we told close family and friends, and when I was comfortable at around 14 weeks we told the world. It was so great to finally get it out there, what a secret to keep in!

I just couldn't believe that after one round we were blessed with our little boy. I can't even imagine going through more rounds, or other methods of treatment (which would have been next for us) I sit there and think how blessed we were that we only had to go through that one month, because it's stressful enough trying to have a baby, but add on the million DR appointments, the high medical bills NOT covered, it starts to get to you, but as everyone would say it's worth it. 

Looking back at the month, there were definitely signals to me, signs of early pregnancy. I can remember the week or so before just being incredibly tired, to the point I was dozing off sitting at my desk or going places. I was exhausted. The cramps? Yeah, that was just baby making his comfy home. And those cramps happened off and on for a few weeks (hated that, talk about scary - I remember one time freaking out and having a breakdown thinking that something awful was going to happen)

BUT, here I am 7 months later, with a big old boy rolling around in my tummy. All of it was worth it, and to the Doctors that told me I would never have a baby (I remember it as if it was yesterday) TAKE THAT. Who knows what the future will bring if we decide to have more kids (Ryan is all about it) and if I will have to go through the fertility again, or maybe not. Either way, I have no doubt now that God has a plan for everyone, it's all in HIS timing. I keep faith in that. He gave me this precious gift because he knew I was ready for him. There is always a reason.

We can't wait to become parents. I know it'll be no easy task, and there will be many, many more stressful nights, but it's all apart of life.

and.. I'm ready.

The first ultrasound at 5 1/21 weeks. You couldn't see him yet, but you could see his home.

This past week in review: BUSY

It's been obvious that I've been busy busy this past week with the silence that's been here on my blog.

This past week has been full of work and BBQ's and family get-togethers.

We worked hard on the house finishing up odds and end projects that have been just laying around. You know, the one's you continually walk bye and *sigh*.... Yes, we finally got most of them done. I will admit there are still a few of those *sigh* projects laying around, but we got the biggest ones done. We worked inside and out.. and let me tell you it was hot hot hot and muggy this weekend.

I had a nice long 4 day weekend, it was fantastic. It definitely made me NOT want to go back to work on Wednesday.

We had 3 BBQs this past weekend, two of them being at our house and one at my parents. I just love a nice BBQ and sitting outside on our finally complete patio! Friday night we ran to Home Depot and bought us a patio set, I had my eye on a few, and when one finally went on sale, I was all over that baby! I even went on my lunch break (Home Depot is right down the road from my work) and wanted to fit that puppy in my SUV.. yeahhhh not happening. So, we brought the truck that night and got us a set. I had also ordered a "conversational" set online that arrived the day before. So, Saturday we put together our patio, and it looks great.

Although, there was one set-back. Actually, two. The first was as we finished putting together the online set I bought.. the last chair... just wasn't going together. Until we realized that they had manufactured the back of the chair backwards!!! Really?? The right side where you screw the back into the legs was welded on top, and not the bottom where it should have been.... ugh. So, I've been put on a waiting list (4 weeks) to get the replacement part. Awesome. The 2nd? We go to get the new umbrella out that we bought for the table and.... there was no pole with it... REALLY?? REALLY??? It's like we couldn't win. I took it back yesterday and got a new one, with a pole. I told the lady, "I don't think it would have worked, unless we had a itty bitty table"

So, things are worked out.. and the patio still looks great, as the house. It's exciting to actually be able to come home and relax. A word I haven't known for a few months now.

Tuesday morning at 3 AM.. my brother and sister in law arrived from their drive from California. Yes, 3 AM. Needless to say it was one reason why I took of Tuesday from work.. it was an early morning.. and a long day. It is great to see them, and for them to stay with us and see our new place for the first time. I think they really like it. They left for the mountains today, so they will be gone for a few days, but we have lots planned, so the next couple weeks will be fun.

I'm excited for this weekend... we are joining some friends and going down to Camden, NJ to a BIG country concert.. it's an all day affair, and it's going to be sweet. Some big names will be appearing.. I'll tell you more on that soon.

For now... life is stressful, but life is good. Isn't that how it always is?

Enjoy your Thursday, the weekend is almost here!

Amberlee

It hasn't quite hit me..

I've been busily preparing for the day that is coming soon...

I've been planning, shopping, organizing, packing, dreaming...

But, it hasn't really hit me yet, that in just over a week, we will finally have our own home.

We lay in bed at night and talk about it. Our hopes and dreams, our visions, our plans to make this house our warm and inviting home. Boy do we talk about it... the conversation always starts as.."You know what I can't wait for?"

I don't know how many times I've heard that line from my excited husband, how many times I've said it myself. They could be the tiniest things... being just us, making a garden, decorating....

But, what I truly can't wait for.... is to start my own life, just the way I planned it. To try and be the most perfect wife I can for my husband, become the women that reflects my own mother, to just live the life I have been patiently waiting for, for 22 years.

Living with my parents for the last 7 months after my wedding has had its up and downs... but more then anything it has given me the time to get ready, mentally especially. This life is all so new, being married, being thrown into the world without a clue as to how it works.

At this moment... I'm scared, anxious, excited... all these feelings mushed up into one. I wonder constantly if we will make it, have enough money to buy food, support ourselves, even after time and time again I sit down and look at wants coming in, to what would be going out, and we'll be just fine. I think it's just the anxiety of something new, something unknown.

We will be just fine...

It seems so silly to have all these feelings about moving out. Leaving my parents, the ones who I have been with day in and day out for over 22 years now.... no longer will I come home to them.. no longer will they be in my life as much as they have been these last 22 years... they've taught me well, and brought me up to what I believe a pretty well rounded gal =) I wouldn't have been able to do it without them... it's a good thing I'm only moving right up the road....(hah!)

It will be different.. it will be new, and exciting. It will be a relief... I am ready to stop living out of boxes.. it's going to be like Christmas morning unpacking, because truthfully, I don't remember half the stuff I have (we have alot)

Next weekend marks the day I get to start to move into my house. We won't be all in right away... there are a few things we have to do (installing lights, moving cabinets, painting) But, we will start to move stuff in slowly, and the following weekend will hopefully (if we're ready) the big move in week, where all the furniture will be moved it.

We have a lot to do... and so little time!

But, that's life isn't it?

3 Big Words....

It's one of those days where I just want to bitch.. bitch.. bitch..

But, I'll save you the agony.

I will say though, that stress, aggravation, annoyance, are all words floating through my mind right now, with a few other ones in there too.

And it's not all about one thing either... it's multiple things.. multiple problems, people, life.. etc.

It's all stressing me out... aggravating me.. and most definitely annoying me.

There... that's all I'm going to say.

I hope that things can just go as planned... go the way that I hope them to go... I guess time will tell.

Until then... this lady is like a ticking time bomb I tell ya.. watch out.

I need a drink to defuse me...

Weekend Review - Yardwork Butt Kicking

My weekend consisted of being outside, working, all day... no stopping.

We officially kicked the yard's butt this weekend. We got a whole ton of stuff done, and I am very pleased with how the yard has turned out, because it definitely needed some TLC. It doesn't look like the same place, we've decided to start from scratch, so this years gardens will be pretty bare. But, this gives me the chance to make it my own look, make it ours.

We kicked butt so much that now we are done with the heavy duty work, and can focus on the little things, like making me a clothes line, and putting in a compost for the garden, the more fun things! It makes me excited..... 5 1/2 more weeks and I will finally have my very own place.

Besides the butt kicking, can I just say there is one thing pretty big on my shoulder right now....STRESS...

Holy cow am I stressed.

In just a few weeks we will be making a huge change.. spending a shit load of money.. and at this moment? A million and one things come up that are making me open my wallet....

Just great.

Helloooooo stress.

I just got to make it past these few weeks... hopefully I will still have my hair by then.

Bare with me if I seem totally grouchy these next few weeks... it's just me trying not to blow a fuse... or end up in a padded room... which actually sounds kind of nice right now, no stress, no money, no nothing, just a white comfy room... hmm..

Amber Lee

It's the little things...

In my last post... I did a little funk vent. I'm not going to lie that I've been in a serious funk lately... and probably the main reasons are:

1. The Holidays are overrr.... noooooo! 

2. It' s freezing cold.... i.hate.it.

3. Summer is so far away....

4. Saving..Saving.. Saving.. no Playing..Playing..Playing..

and the next one is probably what really threw me into this funk...

5. We have to wait 2 more months until we move out... (help me)

So... combine them all, and I'm just in a funky mood everyday.

Due to certain circumstances... we have to wait another 2 months to move. It has its pros and cons. The biggest pro being we have longer to save up.. the biggest con being that.....

IJUSTWANTTOGETOUTOFMYPARENTSHOUSEBECAUSEITISDRIVINGMENUTS...

Did you get that?

(sigh)

Although we still have a few more months, I am still in packing mode. I just don't want to wait until the last minute, I want as much done as possible so it is not as stressful and we can just grab everything and get the Hell out. You can see how my packing mode is.... this is a text to my husband from this past weekend.. 

So, today I thought that I would try and focus on the little things that get me through... besides asking God everyday for patience (which is a struggle for me)

Here are my little things...

Coffee... sometimes I don't know what I would do without it.

TickleFights with my husband... it can get rough/crazy, but totally worth it.

Nature walks... been trying to get out as much as possible when the temperature peaks 40

Bargain shopping with the little money I can spend.

I totally wave my shit around like that too....

 My cute, adorable, very loving pup. Just look at those eyes.

There is probably more... but I'll stop here for now.

It's the little things that are going to keep me from pulling my hair out... completely.