Creating Life, one stress at a time

I debated if I wanted to write this post, it's a little personal, but I find it sometimes nice to get things out in the open. Although keeping certain things a secret is perfectly fine, I believe somethings are beneficial for someone to talk about. So, if you have some time sit back and enjoy, because it's a long one.

I wanted to share our little journey of conception, and don't worry, I won't get into too much detail. I'll spare you.

To really start from the beginning, you might want to read THIS POST. I've mentioned in previous posts about having PCOS, weight gain, and other complications I have had to go through. That post gives you the rundown of my history with PCOS, from when I was diagnosed to the horrible conversations I had with multiple doctors telling me that I may never have a baby.

...and boy were they wrong.

After finally finding a great doctor, a specialist up at Penn State Hershey hospital, I began my journey, so after many tests and appointments, and finally a diagnosis and a plan, he told me that when Ryan and I were ready to have a baby to come back and see him.

Ryan and I began to discuss it a little here and there. Our hopes of when. I was pretty excited/scared/anxious, you name it. I was definitely ready, wayyy before Ryan was. I didn't want to push him though, I wanted HIM to be ready as well. So, I told him, when you know you are ready, you tell me, and I'll make my DR. apt.

He finally said the words one night to me, "I think I'd like to have a baby now"

Such sweet words! I was super happy... and made the appointment the next day. I had to wait a few months (I believe 2ish) to get in.

I knew it could be a long ordeal. Who knew what I would have to go through, or for how long. I was scared that maybe those other doctors would be right, that I would never become a momma. I tried to keep those thoughts tucked away... I needed to have HOPE, and I never let that hope go away, even when people told me not to get my hopes up. What else did I have?

I had to have a few procedures done before I could start my first treatment. One procedure was not very fun, but I got through it. (Let me add that insurance DOES NOT cover infertility treatments - one more added stress)

Finally about 4 months after we decided we were ready, it was time to take my first round. We decided to start out with just taking a fertility drug called Clomid. An easy pill that you take for 5 days. Let me tell you though, HOLY HORMONES. I felt so bad for my husband, HAH. The last 2 days I was a hormonal wreck. I can remember yelling at him for everything, I was like a walking bomb and I knew it. That was the worst part, it was like I couldn't help myself. I just remember telling myself, "my poor husband." He took it like a champ though, he was so sweet with it all. I also was crying for no reasons really, I remember watching a movie at my parents and I just started bawling my eyes out. My mom laughed so hard as I was gulping yelling "DAMN YOU HORMONES." Good times...

As I approached the end of my cycle, I was SURE that this was not the month. Not the first month? I was told it could take a couple rounds to work. I was also feeling mother nature come on. I knew I was going to be starting round 2 in just a week. Well, that due date came, and nothing. Hmm. Well, I was use to never having a normal schedule anyway, maybe this was how it was suppose to be. Hmm.

A friend of mine who I was confiding in through this journey (only a few people knew that we were trying, people I trusted, people I could talk to it about. I just didn't want the whole world to know, at least not yet.) convinced me to take a test Friday morning if I hadn't gotten good old Aunt Flo yet. Well Friday morning arrived. At this time I was working at my previous employer and it was my LAST day there to top it off. So, as Ryan left for work, I snuck into the bathroom and took a test.

Within 2 seconds... yes very quickly it came up a serious positive, there was no denying it was positive. Both lines were so dark. I just sat there looking at it.... was this FOR-REAL? Yep. I started to cry, and cried for about 10 minutes there sitting on the toilet. (haha) So, after I got myself together, I ventured off to work...

I was so excited. I ran out to the store on my lunch break, and got Ryan a few things to give to him that night to break the news to him. On top of the day already being crazy because it was my last day of work, I was in agony with this little secret I had. I couldn't wait to tell Ryan. I kept texting him all day, he eventually started to realize, something was up.

Finally, I got home and I had a little gift for him that I put out on his chair and told him I had a gift for him. He of course thought that he had forgotten and anniversary or something, and exclaimed, "WHAT, what did I forget, I didn't get you anything." I told him to just open it! So, he did and inside was a card, a cute little outfit, and some "Dad" scrapbooking items and of course the Positive Test. He was thrilled.

I called the Doctors office first thing Monday morning, and they got us in 2 days later to confirm that I was INDEED pregnant! I even got the chance to have an ultrasound then at 5 1/2 weeks. You couldn't really see anything yet, but you could see his home, it was awesome. I was going to be a Momma.

In the weeks to follow we told close family and friends, and when I was comfortable at around 14 weeks we told the world. It was so great to finally get it out there, what a secret to keep in!

I just couldn't believe that after one round we were blessed with our little boy. I can't even imagine going through more rounds, or other methods of treatment (which would have been next for us) I sit there and think how blessed we were that we only had to go through that one month, because it's stressful enough trying to have a baby, but add on the million DR appointments, the high medical bills NOT covered, it starts to get to you, but as everyone would say it's worth it. 

Looking back at the month, there were definitely signals to me, signs of early pregnancy. I can remember the week or so before just being incredibly tired, to the point I was dozing off sitting at my desk or going places. I was exhausted. The cramps? Yeah, that was just baby making his comfy home. And those cramps happened off and on for a few weeks (hated that, talk about scary - I remember one time freaking out and having a breakdown thinking that something awful was going to happen)

BUT, here I am 7 months later, with a big old boy rolling around in my tummy. All of it was worth it, and to the Doctors that told me I would never have a baby (I remember it as if it was yesterday) TAKE THAT. Who knows what the future will bring if we decide to have more kids (Ryan is all about it) and if I will have to go through the fertility again, or maybe not. Either way, I have no doubt now that God has a plan for everyone, it's all in HIS timing. I keep faith in that. He gave me this precious gift because he knew I was ready for him. There is always a reason.

We can't wait to become parents. I know it'll be no easy task, and there will be many, many more stressful nights, but it's all apart of life.

and.. I'm ready.

The first ultrasound at 5 1/21 weeks. You couldn't see him yet, but you could see his home.